YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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