I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
