My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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