Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
FUCK WHALES
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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