How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You were trust falling into bushes
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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