I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
