The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
this beer tastes like vomit already
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My vagina is officially offended.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
