Just fell off a train. Bad.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just gargled with NyQuil
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
