No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
