Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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