Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
