Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
