i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
