apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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