I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
