Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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