Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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