y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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