I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize