When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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