dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
