I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
