At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize