I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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