all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
