White coat. Heels.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
