why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I believe in your delicious
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
