it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
