We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
