Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just had sex on a roof
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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