btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
