I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
