In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
