If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
