just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
