I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
