how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
