Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
