here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
my liver is dry heaving
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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