I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just puked most of my soul out..
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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