i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
