Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
