How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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