My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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