He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
