You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
