Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
