The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
