Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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