Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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