Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
