so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
