I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
