i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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