He had one of those small greek statue penises
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize