Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
