I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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