The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Boobs speak an international language.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
