i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
