I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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