I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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