It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
