nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
